The 2010 Academy Awards have come and gone, creating a whirlwind of red-carpet commentary. The fashion industry's equivalent of Goldman Sachs puts out its best-and-worst-dressed lists, replete with explanations that leave me no less clueless regarding why this actress looked "stunning," while that one was deemed "a cross between a hooker and a lampshade." I don't really get the clothing thing, since all the men dress alike, and the women are best judged on their bodies, not their wardrobe. With that said, I've come up with an idea for jazzing up the Oscars: have everyone dress down!
I can see it now: Megan Fox strutting into the auditorium in a skimpy bikini, followed by Ashley Judd in a University of Kentucky basketball uniform, and Jay Leno in his motorcycle getup. If the actors want to pretend they are normal people for the evening, let them go all the way, and let the world see them as they are when the cameras normally aren't rolling. Heck, they might even look like -- gasp! -- real people!
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Friday, March 5, 2010
Michelle Obama Warns Female Youth: “Men Don’t Hire Or Marry Fatties”
Carrying on a long tradition of First Ladies who take principled stands on controversial issues, Michelle Obama has “weighed” in big-time, with her caveat to America’s young females not to gain weight, because, as she put it, “Men don’t marry or hire fatties.”
Tossing aside all notions of political correctness, Ms. Obama noted her tall, wealthy, powerful husband, as she addressed a recent elementary-school assembly:
“Is there any girl in this house who is gonna tell me with a straight face that BARACK OBAMA would have hit on me while I was working if I had been fat? Of course not. What you may or may not have already figured out, depending on what your parents do for a living, is that my odds of working in law-office human-resources or recruitment would have been, pardon the pun, slim and none, had I not watched my own weight. This is why I punished my own two daughters, and had our doctor put them on a strict diet, when they began gaining even a little weight. With unemployment approaching double-digits, I warn them that the beauty-premium isn’t what it used to be, and that even a few extra pounds might cost them a career. For the same reasons, the competition for tall, wealthy men is greater than ever, and if they want to land one, they better watch their weight. I explain to them that this is how the world is.”
One bright student then asked Ms. Obama a rather obvious question: “Isn’t your husband the president of the United States? Isn’t he capable of CHANGING the way the world is?”
Ms. Obama didn’t skip a beat: “That’s an EXCELLENT question, but the answer is not so simple. Younger folks see things in black and white, right and wrong. When you’re older, you’ll all understand why things are the way they are. For example, right now, all you might see is a crying ugly woman, and you might feel sorry for her, but have you considered the hard-working, male executive who would have to LOOK at her all day? Wealthy, powerful men DESERVE to be surrounded by beautiful women, and don’t forget, what works for women at the office also works at home, because they deserve the prettiest wives.”
Another student asked another obvious question: “But isn’t this discrimination?”
Good lawyer that she is, Ms. Obama was prepared for this curveball: “Well technically, it is discrimination, but the key here is it’s not ILLEGAL discrimination. You can actually discriminate against people for many reasons, such as not liking their favorite football team. Even the President has said he may have discriminated against a Cubs fan once.”
The student was unmoved: “But this is our bodies. Is it really fair to hand out jobs to people because of how they look? Doesn’t this also seem like a recipe for sexual harassment?”
The First Lady was moved: “That’s an amazingly intelligent question! Like I said before, not all discrimination is illegal. There are currently no laws against looks discrimination, or even hiring your girlfriend because she’s your girlfriend. I believe the legal term for it is romantic-favoritism. Congress has refused to outlaw romantic-favoritism because that would leave our lawmakers as grumpy old men with ugly interns. They’d be in a bad mood all day and pass mean laws. Do you really want that?”
The response was unanimous: “No!!!”
The First Lady had found a receptive audience; “Exactly. We all know you can’t change the world, and why should we change this anyway? Ugly people are just that – UGLY. They don’t deserve equal treatment at work, they certainly don’t deserve tall, wealthy, and powerful men, and the best thing of all is that if you ignore their complaints and injustices, everyone will say they are just bitter, whining losers who never came to grips with the fact that they weren’t as pretty as they wanted to be. This is why I urge our nation’s young girls to heed the message, and take care of your bodies, so that the men in power will favor you, both at work, and at home. Not only that, but it is a much healthier lifestyle to be in shape, particularly when being that way makes you more likely to be married or employed, especially in this economy. Any more questions?”
Only one more came from the crowd: “Do you think Chelsea Clinton is pretty enough to keep her husband from cheating on her with the secretaries at Goldman Sachs?”
Ms. Obama demurred: “Like mother, like daughter is all I’ll say to that.”
A very educational mission from our very fashionable First Lady!
Tossing aside all notions of political correctness, Ms. Obama noted her tall, wealthy, powerful husband, as she addressed a recent elementary-school assembly:
“Is there any girl in this house who is gonna tell me with a straight face that BARACK OBAMA would have hit on me while I was working if I had been fat? Of course not. What you may or may not have already figured out, depending on what your parents do for a living, is that my odds of working in law-office human-resources or recruitment would have been, pardon the pun, slim and none, had I not watched my own weight. This is why I punished my own two daughters, and had our doctor put them on a strict diet, when they began gaining even a little weight. With unemployment approaching double-digits, I warn them that the beauty-premium isn’t what it used to be, and that even a few extra pounds might cost them a career. For the same reasons, the competition for tall, wealthy men is greater than ever, and if they want to land one, they better watch their weight. I explain to them that this is how the world is.”
One bright student then asked Ms. Obama a rather obvious question: “Isn’t your husband the president of the United States? Isn’t he capable of CHANGING the way the world is?”
Ms. Obama didn’t skip a beat: “That’s an EXCELLENT question, but the answer is not so simple. Younger folks see things in black and white, right and wrong. When you’re older, you’ll all understand why things are the way they are. For example, right now, all you might see is a crying ugly woman, and you might feel sorry for her, but have you considered the hard-working, male executive who would have to LOOK at her all day? Wealthy, powerful men DESERVE to be surrounded by beautiful women, and don’t forget, what works for women at the office also works at home, because they deserve the prettiest wives.”
Another student asked another obvious question: “But isn’t this discrimination?”
Good lawyer that she is, Ms. Obama was prepared for this curveball: “Well technically, it is discrimination, but the key here is it’s not ILLEGAL discrimination. You can actually discriminate against people for many reasons, such as not liking their favorite football team. Even the President has said he may have discriminated against a Cubs fan once.”
The student was unmoved: “But this is our bodies. Is it really fair to hand out jobs to people because of how they look? Doesn’t this also seem like a recipe for sexual harassment?”
The First Lady was moved: “That’s an amazingly intelligent question! Like I said before, not all discrimination is illegal. There are currently no laws against looks discrimination, or even hiring your girlfriend because she’s your girlfriend. I believe the legal term for it is romantic-favoritism. Congress has refused to outlaw romantic-favoritism because that would leave our lawmakers as grumpy old men with ugly interns. They’d be in a bad mood all day and pass mean laws. Do you really want that?”
The response was unanimous: “No!!!”
The First Lady had found a receptive audience; “Exactly. We all know you can’t change the world, and why should we change this anyway? Ugly people are just that – UGLY. They don’t deserve equal treatment at work, they certainly don’t deserve tall, wealthy, and powerful men, and the best thing of all is that if you ignore their complaints and injustices, everyone will say they are just bitter, whining losers who never came to grips with the fact that they weren’t as pretty as they wanted to be. This is why I urge our nation’s young girls to heed the message, and take care of your bodies, so that the men in power will favor you, both at work, and at home. Not only that, but it is a much healthier lifestyle to be in shape, particularly when being that way makes you more likely to be married or employed, especially in this economy. Any more questions?”
Only one more came from the crowd: “Do you think Chelsea Clinton is pretty enough to keep her husband from cheating on her with the secretaries at Goldman Sachs?”
Ms. Obama demurred: “Like mother, like daughter is all I’ll say to that.”
A very educational mission from our very fashionable First Lady!
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